Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about Jesi. I mean, hella
bunch. This includes when I’m eating, which was the only time I
wasn’t thinking of Jesi. I’ve come to ask myself, “What would I
do without Jesi?” The only answer I have found is I don’t
know. I would be dumbfounded. I wouln’t believe it. I
wouldn’t want to, and I wouldn’t. My irrationality would
probably get the best of me for about two or three days before I
aquired the courage to call her home phone. I would call her cell
immediately. I would try and try that, leaving a message every
time.
Would I be crushed? Yes.
Would I be [insert special words beginning with ‘n’ and ending with ‘s’]? Yes.
Would I want to continue? No.
Thats all I can think of. And it could happen so easily.
Jesi could be shot at school by some random angst-filled kid. It
could happen as she’s riding to school on the bus. She could die
on the way to church one day. Death could be waiting for my Jesi,
and there would be nothing I could do.
What if she were dieing? I’m three hundred, yes, count’em, three
hundred and seventeen miles from Jesi. I could do nothing.
It wouldn’t even be possible for me to be with her during her last
moments if she were fataly injured. I couldn’t be there to hold
her hand and tell her everything was going to be alright, even though
she was dieing. I wouldn’t be there when she needed me the most.
I know it’s horrible to think of these things. But there comes a
point in a relationship when you know that you want to be with a person
for the rest of your life. Once that happens, you begin to think
about how easily that could be crushed.
Aside from my Jesi dieing, how else could I lose her? I could
cheat on her. Though this would never happen while I’m sober, it
still could happen. What if I decide to go get drunk with my
buddies? What if I decide to go get high with ArtsyChick and
SeveredToe? I could get so f****** up that I didn’t even know
what I was doing. Aside from the feeling of diminished
intelligence, I’m never ever ever drinking or smoking again because I
don’t want to take that chance ever.
I would hate myself if I ever cheated on my Jesi. She doesn’t
deserve the kind of hearbreak. As much as her mom treats her like
shit, how her pseudo-friends always do shit and f*** with her, and her
low, but rasing self esteem, I’m surprised she hasn’t ended it.
That would hurt me more than anything. More than me cheating on
Jesi, more than her breaking up with me, more than anything. If
that ever happend, I would have to think, for the rest of my life, “Why
didn’t Jesi call me? I was a phone call away. Did she not
trust me enough? Did she think I would ridicule her like her
mother? What did I do that lead my Jesi to this??” I would
never forgive myself.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I love my Jesi. Without a
doubt. No questions asked. I love my Jesi, and I hope I’m
able to spend the rest of my life with her.